The last year has been hard in ways I’m not going to bother boring you with, and other ways I will keep to myself regardless of bore. As I lay here in bed unable to sleep I find myself rummaging through the clutter inside my mind. Listening to background noise of Elvis (my dog) snoring and the light fall of snow mixed with rain outside I get lost in my thoughts.
I’ve really been trying to live without regret but find myself still holding back – which to me, is the biggest regret of them all. I absolutely hate the thought of “new year new me” or New Years resolutions PERIOD, but laying here surrounded by many sounds and smells I love and life’s comforts, I can’t help but wander into the depths of my visions for the future and imagine how I’ll get myself there.
If you know me, you know my smile. You know I find my own happiness by way of spreading goodness any place that I can. You know I’m short tempered when it comes to bad grammar, bad manners, and bad driving. You definitely know I will lose my marbles completely over people who leave their carts just willy-nilly wherever they’d like because their time MUST be more valuable than the next guy’s. You know I care almost too much and my heart is too big for my body. What you likely don’t know is how excellent I’ve become at smiling through chaos and even more noteworthy is my incredible skill at being calm in every storm that fumbles through my head. You wouldn’t have any reason to know that holidays make me really sad and on Thanksgiving I cried for the first two hours of my day, off and on, just to myself, in honor of one storm or the next that I battle just like any other person. So, to say the least, this year has challenged me in a great number of ways. What I have come to realize is, the suffering has made me grow. The suffering is important. Even when it is still a little tough for my heart to catch up, I know everything happening is for something more outstanding. Something I may not understand quite yet, but I’ll get there on my own schedule of course.
I’ve been tough on myself as of late, feeling like a fraud because I’ve become unwilling to spread myself as thin as before. I feel like I “right place right timed” everyone into thinking I’m lovable and lately I don’t feel lovable at all. I feel like a bad friend every time I stay home instead of going out or any time I don’t show up for any number of things, but the truth is, I’ve been a bad friend to myself for a long time, and I am in an epic battle of tug-of-war with my heart trying to sort through what matters.
That being said, right now, at 1:30 on a snowy and cold Sunday morning, this is a time my brain works the best. When it’s quiet and there’s absolutely no one willing to distract me as they are all enjoying a slumber I wish I could master. I can write my best and read my best and think up the greatest ideas at this hour. So this round I’ve decided to conquer some personal hopes for the coming year, or just the future in general. Take it as a warning or with a grain of salt, but writing this and sharing it may help the next person, and in that I will find comfort…
I’m going to say what I want and what needs to be said to people I love. I’m probably going to make more phone calls and write more letters (which I’ve already started) because I want you to be told if you have impacted me. I don’t want to wait to tell anyone about something great they did, no matter how big or small, I want them to know when I’m feeling the feeling because that’s when I’ll express it the best. I want to actively listen when people need to be heard and stop thinking of ways to solve everyone’s problems before they even ask for advice. I want to listen to more music and get better at double unders and be happier with myself at the gym. I want to read more books and less of my newsfeed. I want to feel my feelings and stop ignoring them because I need to matter more to me as I cannot expect to matter to someone else. I also want to feel these feelings and let go of them if they don’t serve a lasting purpose. Similarly with relationships – If you have done me wrong I may not even bother to say, because fighting over perspective is simply nonsense. I will assume if you took time to say or do something that made me feel a specific way it was because you wanted to say or do whatever it was, and who am I to say it’s wrong? If something matters to me, I will say it boldly but with courtesy, of course. So in short, if I love you, you’re going to know, and if I don’t, you will probably know that as well – if nothing else you will know the gift of my absence. But I’m also not going to make it to every event and every outing and every fundraiser because I just can’t. This doesn’t mean I love you less. Know this, I do want to be there for every milestone, by your side, cheering you on…more than anything. Unsurprisingly, I am given the same 24 hours you are and I have to start taking care of myself. I absolutely will not waiver on my health or happiness anymore, and I sure hope you already do this for you. If you don’t, I hope you start.
2020 – perfect vision…make this year the year you see yourself as beautifully as the world does. Make it the year you see your future and what you want, no matter the size, and make it happen. You get this life, and that’s it.
Till next time friends…stay beautiful.