Err — Verb; to go astray in thought or belief; be mistaken; be incorrect
PSA – You probably won’t agree with me on this, and if you can’t dig deep into open-mindedness, deep enough to allow the possibility of me changing your mind, you should stop reading.
My truth – I’ve struggled as long as I can remember with my body image. I’m not skinny, I’m not fat, and I have long hated the way my body looks. Over the last year I’ve found myself on a journey that has led me to an even better truth – I am more than that number. I am more than my weight or even my outer shell. I am more than the percentage of fat or muscle in my body and more than the inches around my thigh. If the number on my scale matters to you, THERE’S.THE.DOOR.
Listen, I don’t expect you to “not care” about your health or body. You should care. Goals are good to have just like dreams. Goals can be fluid. What I don’t think should be true is this constant effort to shrink ourselves. If we can be smaller we can do more and look better – not true.
This stay home order has done a few things to me, one thing, I’ve gained weight and the best thing – I don’t give a damn about it. This isn’t happening to me, it’s happening to all of us. It’s affecting each of us in one way or another and that is real. Honestly, I have weighed myself twice in the past 6 months. Here’s how that went…
First time, it triggered me. I let it kill my mood. I let that silly obsolete number ruin an entire Saturday. I cried. I actually broke down in the shower thinking about how people would look at me if they had to see me, and it makes my heart hurt just typing that. The funny thing is, it’s not like it was any different than any other day. It’s not like it was bad….but seeing it triggered me. By the end of that dreaded day I made a promise to myself, I promised myself I would NEVER let that happen again.
The second time I weighed myself was merely to weigh my dog. You know, I get on and weigh myself then grab Elvis and weigh ourselves, just to make sure he’s not gaining weight too and he’s healthy, because that actually matters. Sure, I noticed those few quarantine pounds. I was less than shocked considering I can tell just by how my body looks based on YEARS of body shaming by yours truly. However, I didn’t care. I legitimately smiled and said “Soft Body Hottie”….and moved on.
Here’s my deal and I want you to take this seriously if you’ve been bored enough to read this far into my rhetoric. We are all more than what people see on the surface. Read that again. You are and always have been more to me than what I see on the outside. Quarantine has people worried about lashes and spray tans and eyebrows and grey roots and honestly…it’s shown me how naturally beautiful people are and how much money is wasted on this antiquated vision of what beauty is. Sure, I miss getting pedicures but I’ve never been so happy to be low maintenance. If you gained some weight or lost weight or stopped getting spray tanned I promise, it’s not going to be something I notice or say a damn thing about when I see you. When I finally get to see you after all this craziness, I’ll be so happy just to be in your space none of that will matter. If someone sees you and they mention any of those things – I’m sorry, it’s time to reevaluate that relationship.
For me, everyone who has something to say about my appearance to my face or behind my back, my gift to you will be the lack of my presence in your life and my middle finger on my way out. If you don’t know the person I am inside, why are we friends? I am far more than this shell that I’ve berated all these years. If you think I’m fat, guess what, I probably do too. And if I don’t, I certainly have. I think it’s time we all stop worrying about the shell and start honestly taking care of ourselves. Our mental health. Our insides from our brains to our guts and not our face to our butts. If you are reading this chances are I care about you. I care about your heart, and health, and how you feel. I could give a squirt of piss about your eyebrows and the color of your skin for that matter if we are going there. I hope you love yourself enough to believe me when I say – you don’t need to worry about what that number is, please focus on being good to you first, and the rest of the world next.
Till next time friends, stay beautiful (inside…)