As promised in my last post, and I don’t like to go back on promises, I am going to share the response to myself from my body. If you didn’t read part one of this “mini-series” (laughable 😆) I strongly encourage you to do so in order to understand what’s happening here.
Here’s to hoping I find a safe and healing place through this. Here’s to respecting and loving myself and realizing life is just a series of mistakes…it’s proper forgiveness and healing that give us moments of respite.
I want to say thank you, but it feels premature. I truly believe your intentions are pure and you want to change, I do. There’s still so much work to be done, however, I know you’re up for the challenge or you wouldn’t be putting in this effort at all. Over the last (nearly) three years you have come leaps and bounds toward a better and more sound YOU. It’s been remarkable to be part of it.
Your mind is part of me, and I am part of you, and you have to get your mind right. That’s this current crusade you’ve found yourself in. Realizing it’s okay you made mistakes and blamed me, your shell. Your hostility over many years created this vast separation between us and it can be healed and forgiven. You’ve wandered through life saying beauty is only skin deep while feeling beautiful everywhere except on the outside. You accept compliments freely about your mind, your work ethic, and your energy, while you cover up your largest organ hoping the focus will remain on who you are inside. All the while you wish you could share me with the world (appropriately of course) if I would look “just right”. What I can’t understand is “what is just right?”. What is that definition of beauty you are trying to find?
You’ve said out loud a hundred times, I will never have long lean legs, I will never be a size 0, I will never not have hips – you’re right. You won’t. I hate to be the bearer of the inevitable “bad news”, as you call it, but kid, you’re right.
You know what you will be though? You will be so much more than those things. You will be enough to the people who deserve your energy. You will be someone people want to talk to. You will be strong and witty and smart. You will be kind to a fault and generous and happy. You will have a heart bigger than your body and too often give it away. And I will carry you through the collection of moments helping you believe these truths.
Even though you’ve given up on me over and over again, I’m getting up every day and never giving up on you. I’ll carry you into the wind and rain of emotions and let downs and triumphs and celebrations and I will never falter. Not on your hardest day. I need you to hold up your end of the bargain. You’re a big talker, Andrea. You’ll admit it yourself you often struggle with follow through. The creator of big ideas. If you’re going to follow through with anything, it needs to be this.
I want us to work together as one to accomplish something so many people will never be lucky enough to accomplish. I want us to live in that world where you feed me and use me and push me and challenge me all the time and I make you proud of the things I CAN do for you. I want you to be able to notice what I can’t do and be proud of an alternative because no matter what your mom said – you can’t do everything. I want you to stop giving so much of yourself away and keep more of that just for us and those closest to us. I want your mind to find comfort in the body holding it. I want you to dance all the time and feel good (dance party warm ups ALWAYS!)! I want you to bundle me up when we need it but let the sun hit our legs just like you let it hit your face and torso and arms and toes on those few sunny days we get. Shamelessly. Because Andrea, you never judge those who do the same. You look at women in shorts in all shapes and sizes and think “I wish I had that confidence”….so let’s go out there and let’s get it! What’s stopping you from living YOUR truth and your life and always being comfortable simply knowing we get another day to appreciate the company of us.
I love you. I want you to be happy every day. There’s no reason to let someone else’s idea of beauty stop us from being happy. There’s so much work to do on this tour to your own peace. I’m here for it, I’ll show up every day, and I expect nothing less from you.